Do you still have your period?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize
