He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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