I'm so fucking centered right now
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
