watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Every concussion has its silver lining
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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