GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
