12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
