I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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