i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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