i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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