I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
