Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
