gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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