She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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