I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
