ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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