don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
