I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
