You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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