she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't notice because vodka
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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