I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
