Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
