ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
