i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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