i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
