um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
