I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
