i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
