there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
