I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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