Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
