onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
