Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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