I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
