I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
