I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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