i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize