hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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