im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
