i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So vagazzling was a success
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
