Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
