I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Holy sore nipples Batman
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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