I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
