thus making me awesome and them whores
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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