I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize