"it" just moved
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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