I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
