I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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