her vagine was all disorganized.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
