oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
