Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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