i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Randomize
