I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
