the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
