My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
