what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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