I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dignity is for republicans.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
