Is it normal to miss your booty call?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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