I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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