getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
