the condom got lost in my hair
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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