The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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