just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
