Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
