I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
