and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
