I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
