MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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