hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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