I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
